Simon Crisp: August 2012 Archives


Some people are more observant than others … but something tells us this man is not one of them. A bar worker accidentally fell down a 10ft hole behind a bare because he was distracted by a TV.


The man had apparently been doing the sound for bands which were performing and didn't notice the cellar access as he walked around behind the bar.

As a result he plummeted down the 10ft hole, leaving customers and staff wondering what had just happened as they scurried around trying to check that he was okay.

Luckily the man somehow escaped the incident with just a sprained ankle and knee.

275x250.jpg Walking in the countryside is Britain’s best loved pastime, even beating the likes of Facebook, a study has revealed.

Research carried out among 2,000 adults found a country stroll was voted ahead of eating out and reading a book in the garden to claim top spot.

Enjoying a pint in the pub came fourth in the poll by WWF-UK, just ahead of cooking and playing computer games. Listening to music came in at 7th place, followed by gardening.

Watching football was our ninth favourite thing to do, while a kick-around in the park only landed in at number 26.

Watching TV completed the top 10, and perhaps not surprisingly, surfing the net came in at number 11.

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There's a reason we spent the summer of 1989 trying to pull skateboard tricks, because we knew it would impress women. Now, for the same reason, Lynx has set up their own Skate Centre.

The firm has released a video guide - filmed on location at ‘Clapton Castle’ a house where the residents have built their very own skate ramp - which promises to teach guys how to perform tricks to impress women.

The tutorials start with three classic moves, the ‘Ollie’, the ‘Crooked Grind’ and the ‘360 Flip’, and show (in a tongue-in-cheek manner) how effective they can be in helping to impress girls.

Mark Aschmann, Lynx Brand Manager, said ‘We wanted to create something unique at The Lynx Skate Centre and delve into what it is about skateboard tricks that gets the guys so much attention."

275x250.jpg Parents are sending their kids back to school with dangerous levels of contamination from food-borne bacteria, new research has warned.

The cross-contamination study, conducted by the Global Hygiene Council, found that up to 90% of surfaces touched during preparation of a simple meal, such as a child’s school lunch, can become infected with bacteria from food.

They discovered that contact from raw meat on objects such as knives, chopping boards and tea towels caused dangerous levels of contamination.

These surfaces then spread bacteria onto to ready-to-eat foods and into children’s lunchboxes – increasing the risk of illnesses such as e.coli.

But despite this less than half of mums questioned claimed to clean their child’s lunchbox daily.

275x250.jpg An American air guitar enthusiast named Nordic Thunder (when he's not going my the less impressive Justin Howard) has won the top title at the 17th Air Guitar World Championships final at in Finland.

In the first round contestants played a self chosen song and the ten to score highest were admitted to the second round, where everyone rocked to Loose My Soul by The Flaming Sideburns.

Nordic Thunder - who was dressed as a Viking warrior - impressed a judging panel which included legendary Finnish guitarist Juha Torvinen, TV host Heikki Paasonen and Air Guitar World Champion 2000, Markus “Black Raven” Vainionpää.

In case you were wondering, the purpose of the Air Guitar Championships in to promote world peace. According to Air Guitar ideology, wars will end, climate change stops and all bad things disappear if all the people in the world play the Air Guitar.

275x250.jpg The average Brit endures 12,584 sleepless nights over the course of their lifetime a study has yesterday. Researchers found the typical adult wakes up twice at least 4 nights out of seven.  

The main reason for a troubled slumber is needing to go to the toilet followed by a partner’s snoring and the sound of heavy rain the poll found. A restless one in twenty of the adults studied said they wake up 5 times EVERY single night.

It was alsofound that the average person aims for 7 hours of sleep every night but three quarters of those polled never achieve this. As a consequence, a quarter of workers said they feel so tired in the day it’s impossible to concentrate on their job.

One in four said a lack of sleep makes them cross and short tempered. Not surprisingly 30 per cent of those who took part in the study said they were absolutely exhausted by the time they go to bed.

The study also discovered 17 per cent of people remain in a foul mood all day if they haven’t had enough shut-eye. And one in ten employees said they were likely to take out their sleep deprivation on colleagues.

275x250.jpg Brits have voted the sound of waves crashing on rocks as their favourite ever noise, in a study to discover the nation’s best-loved sounds.

The runner-up was the sound of rain lashing against the windows – something Brits have had plenty of chance to enjoy over the recent wash-out summer.

Other popular sounds in the resulting list of the top 50 sounds, included the crunch of treading on snow, a giggling baby and sizzling bacon.

At the other end of the scale, the sounds we hate include nails on a chalk board, someone being sick, a car alarm and the whir of a dentist’s drill.

275x250.jpg It may not have the high-tech functions of the upcoming iPhone 5, but the OwnFone could be the ideal solution for young children or people who struggle to get to grips with technology.

Described as "the world's first personalised mobile phone" the OwnFone does away with a screen and the majority of buttons, instead replacing them with direct-dial buttons and volume controls.

Aimed primarily at children and the elderly, the £55 device is customised to the owner and features buttons with the names of up to 12 people they are most likely to want to call. Pressing the name places a call to that person, incoming calls are answered with an answer button.

Each OwnFone is only the size of a credit card and weighs 40g. Makers say they could also be used in situations you may not want to take your expensive smartphone, like to a music festival or to the beach.


When 81-year-old Cecilia Giménez thought that a painting of Jesus on the wall of her local church in the Spanish city of Borja needed restoring, she decided to offer her own artistic talents.

The problem, her artistic talent knows no beginning and the well-intentioned restoration saw the mural by 19th-century artist Elías García Martínez, ruined with bodge-job brushstrokes.

Described by some as "the worst restoration in history" the painting Ecce Homo at the church of la Misericordia de Borja has been said to now look more like a "bloated hedgehog" than the image of Jesus.

Professional restorers will now inspect the image to investigate whether it is possible to bring it back to its former glory. That said, the new version has gained more publicity than the original ever did.

275x250.jpg We've seen some crazy criminal excuses here at Newslite Towers - like the burglar who told cops he was a trainee locksmith - and here's another great one.

A man in Middlesbrough reportedly told police that aliens had instructed him to go into his mother’s home and steal food to give to the homeless.

A hearing at Teesside Crown Court also heard that John Kirby had smashed into his uncle’s home before stealing aftershave and toiletries … also at the behest of aliens.

29-year-old Kirby - who had previous convictions for burglary - had left fingerprints at the scenes of the two burglaries and representing himself in court entered guilty pleas.

The judge jailed Kirby for 12 months, of which he will serve half. There's no new if the instructing aliens will face any charges.

275x250.jpg Darth Vader stood at an imposing 6ft 7in tall, weighed over 500 lbs and his cape was made out of 100 lbs of our marshmallow fondant … wait what?

After the success of her Storm Trooper cake, master baker Amanda Oakleaf has created a life-size Darth Vader cake for the 15th anniversary of Star Wars fan organization the 501st Legion.

The Dark Lord cake - which also featured a light saber made out of a solid piece of watermelon flavored poured sugar - fed 600 hungry Legion members at the event at The Rosen Centre Hotel in Orlando.

While a metal frame serves as the skeleton of the Darth Vader cake, ingredients includes 386 eggs, 2 gallons milk, 3.5 cups vanilla, 118 cups/ 32 lbs flour, 46 lbs sugar, 57 lbs butter and 210 lbs of our home-made marshmallow fondant.

In case you were wondering, the Sith Lord tasted predominantly of sponge cake and buttercream icing.

275x250.jpg Stewart Francis's joke, "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks" has scooped Dave's fifth annual 'Funniest Joke of The Fringe Award' at the Edinburgh Fringe.

The Canadian comedian took the award after a panel of 10 judges from the digital TV channel each sat through 60 different comedy performances and 3,600 minutes of jokes before shortlisting 30 jokes for a public vote.

The quip "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." won over a fifth of the overall votes (20.93%) and won Francis the award … a lovely glass elephant.

Sepaking of the win, Francis said: "1969 West Mall Soccer Association's Most Valuable Player, and now this...thank you, Dave."

275x250.jpg They may be a passion for the likes of Cheryl Cole, Lana Del Ray and Lady Gaga but female tattoos have been voted the biggest turn-off for men - according to the latest poll.
 
The survey, polled 500 people asking them to state their gender and chose their top five turn-offs when meeting someone of the opposite sex.
 
Thirty seven per cent of males listed tattoos as their number one turn-off with the body art appearing in more than three quarters (78%) of the male top five.
 
In contrast women were fairly ambivalent about tattoos with just over one in ten (13%) viewing them as highly unattractive on a man.
 
Instead the largest romance-killer for women was beards, with a third of those polled voting face fur top spot on their list.

275x250.jpg A new world record has been set for the most burgers flipped simultaneously after 18 people gathered in London and successfully rotated burgers 1,350 times in under a minute.

The event celebrated the art of barbeque cooking at its most competitive and was held by food and entertainment channel Food Network UK to celebrate their ‘On Fire’ festival in Covent Garden.
 
Other records broken at the 'Burger Flipping Championships' included the most burger flips by one person in under a minute at 87 flips as well as the highest burger flip which reached 5.5 feet.
 
The Burger Flipping Championships had strict rules in place, tasking participants to successfully turn the burger over from one side to another using only a spatula with one hand, as many times as possible in under a minute. Burgers that fell on the floor were ruled out … there was no three second rule.

275x250.jpg A woman was reportedly knocked unconscious when the portable toilet she was sitting in was pushed over by a group of young thugs.

The unfortunate woman had beed in Dalbeattie, Dumfries and Galloway for the town's gala day celebrations when the need struck and she popped into the loo.

But as she was doing her business, a gang of youths toppled the loo before running off and the incident left the 27-year-old unconscious at around 22:45 on Saturday.

Luckily passers-by rescued her and she was taken to Dumfries and Galloway Royal Infirmary where she was discharged, despite suffering from a severe bout of embarrassment.  

Police are currently trying to trace the toilet-tipping teens.

275x250.jpg Remember that invisible airbag helmet for cyclists we told you about a couple of years ago? Well the Hovding is finally going on sale.

The 'Hovding' helmet is the brainchild of Swedish designers Anna Haupt and Terese Alstin who received requests for a helmet which would not spoil your hair-do.

Now, eight years after starting work on the device, their vision is finally being realised and the bizarre helmet is going on sale for around £350.

The bizarre helmet looks like a scarf and only springs into action when accelerometers and gyro-meters inside detect sudden jolt. If the wearer is involved in an accident the helmet inflates in under 0.1 second to cocoon their head.

275x250.jpg One in 11 men in loving relationships would forego sex for a month if it meant getting the new Apple iPhone 5 early – a new has revealed.
 

The survey, found that nine per cent of males would be happy to go celibate for a month if it meant they got the new iPhone ahead of its anticipated late September launch date.
 
Just over one in five (22%) said they would happily give up coffee for the same period with 14% willing to give up alcoholic drinks.
 
More than a third (38%) of respondents stated they would be happy to make a ‘significant sacrifice’ if it means skipping the queue for the new iPhone.
 
Ironically over half of the males polled (53%) said they had at some point used their iPhone in a bid to browse the internet for intimate relationship tips.

275x250.jpg A Scrabble fan who has been described at "one of the best young Scrabblers in the US" has been kicked out of a tournament in Orlando after being caught cheating.

The Scrabble player had been competing in the US national championship when a competitor saw him hiding blank tiles to use in the next round.

The two tiles - which can be used as any letter - had not been put into the tile-bag as they should have been and adjudicators were called in to investigate.

As a result the man was questioned and admitted to taking them, they were then ejected from the from the tournament.

A spokesperson for North American Scrabble Players Association said: "His opponents at this event will be retroactively given forfeit wins."

275x250.jpg Fans of the Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James might be a little disappointed with this book, which appears to be the latest installment of the erotic bestsellers, because its text isn't quite as racy.

In fact "Fifty Shades of Gray" consists of 200 pages which contain no words at all, just paper which gets darker grey as the book progresses. There are four pages of each of the 50 shades of grey.

The £12.99 book, sold on Amazon as a novelty notepad, was dreamt up by author SH Simove who previously had a hit with his book "What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex" which also contained 200 wordless pages.

Speaking of his Fifty Shades of Gray book, Simove said: "Just like EL James's popular novel, I hope my new book will deliver deep and satisfying pleasure."



When passengers set off on a fishing charter off the shores of Vancouver Island near Tofino, British Columbia they hoped to see some prize-sized salmon and halibut … they got a whole lot more.

That's because they spotted a humpback whale swimming just yards from their boat. Not only that but the beast breached right in front of them. As this footage shows.

The video - which was filmed by a passenger using an iPhone - has been seen by more than one million people since being uploaded to YouTube.

275x250.jpg We're taking a little break here at Newslite Towers and going to spend some time lying on a beach in the sun - or more probably hiding from the rain and dodging seagulls as it's in the UK - so there will be no odd news posts for the next week or so.

If we get bored we might post some links to other odd news stories on our Twitter and Facebook pages, but failing that we'll be back here looking for weird news stories from August 15th, see you then.
275x250.jpg An Australian man has unsurprisingly ended up in hospital after showing off with his 'fireworks between the buttocks' party trick, and it backfired.

The 23-year old had reportedly been attending a party in the Darwin suburb of Rapid Creek when he decided to show off with his party piece.

So he dropped his trousers and placed a firecracker between his buttocks before lighting it. In a shock to no-one but the man himself, he ended up with burns to his butt cheeks and privates.

Other party-goers contacted paramedic, but by the time they arrived the man had already taken himself to hospital … probably not sitting in the drivers seat.

It's understood the man was later transported to a specialist burns unit and could be fined for being in possession of fireworks beyond an approved period.

275x250.jpg The average child will spend a staggering 143 hours and 36 minutes of the summer holidays staring at a screen, a study revealed yesterday.

Playing computer games, watching television and playing games on phones or other consoles mean very few children will be out and about in Britain’s parks this summer. Instead, they’ll be totting up the equivalent of 12 days solid in front of a screen.

The study of 2,000 British parents found the average child will spend at least 3 hours 11 minutes a day on screens this July and August.

And one in three parents studied have cause to believe their child may be addicted to the gadgets and electronic games that dominate their daily lives.

The research, also found one in eight kids now owns an iPad, with the average British child having £581 worth of gadgets in their bedroom alone.


Everyone has got a favourite moment of the London 2012 Olympics so far, but ours isn't Bradley Wiggins taking gold … it's this moment with Borris Johnson.


The London Mayor had been appearing at Victoria Park and was due to make a grand entrance by speeding down a 320m long and 45-metre high zip wire towards a watching crowd.

But instead the PR stunt went wrong and he got stuck, and was left dangling over the crowd - waving a pair of Union flags - for nearly five minutes.

Speaking during the gaffe Johnson said: "Can you get me a rope. I think they need to test this on someone going a bit faster.

275x250.jpg When a man from Florida had his hand bitten off at the wrist by a hungry alligator, he probably thought it couldn't get much worse, then he was charged unlawful feeding of an alligator.

Airboat captain Wallace Weatherholt had been giving a family a tour of the Everglades when the accident happened shortly after spotting the 9-foot alligator.

It's been reported that Weatherholt held a fish over the side of the boat in a bid to provoke it, which is when he lost his hand at the wrist.

Authorities later tracked an killed the gator, and retrieved the hand from its stomach, but doctors were not able to reattach it.

Feeding an alligator is a second-degree misdemeanor, which can be punished with a fine of up to $500 and possible jail time.

275x250.jpg A gang of knights - complete with medieval attire, a sword and an axe - have robbed the organisers of a medieval festival and made off with £15,600.

The weird crime took place in Bitche, near France's border with Germany, earlier this week after the "Medievales Europeennes de Bitche" festival.

Police say witnesses told them three or four men who were 'masked and wearing medieval attire' attacked the organisers with the handle of an axe.

They then grabbed the money, revenues from the festival, and escaped with the cash … we're not too sure how fact you can run in a suit or armour.

There are few competitions at the London 2012 Olympics have gained as much public interest as this battle of the thighs where cyclists Andre Greipel and Robert Forstermann compared their legs on Twitter.

The German cyclists posed for a photo which was posted to the social network showing their monster-like thighs bulging with muscles … and it quickly went viral.

In the tweet, Greg Henderson said: "You thought Greipel has a big set of legs. There was a quad off in the German camp today. Greipel lost."

275x250.jpg An bizarre product has gone on sale which allows you to simultaneously feed and humiliate squirrels, and give you a good laugh and photo opportunity at the same time.

The Big Head Squirrel Feeder is exactly what its name would suggest - a squirrel feeder in the shape of a giant squirrel head.

A spokesperson for online retailer Archie McPhee said that the idea is you would hang the feeder in front of a window or near a porch, fill it with something squirrels like to eat.

Then, when the squirrels stick their head up there, the they look like they have a hilariously huge head with a goofy smile.

"Keep a camera nearby, you'll want to post a picture on Facebook. Perfect for birdwatchers, dads or anyone else who thinks squirrels should be taken down a peg or two."




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